I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
