she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
