I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
