you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
