My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
