I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
