Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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