I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
