Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
