Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
