My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
