I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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