this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
