South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
