saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
