my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
