I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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