I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
