Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
