dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
