i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
