No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
