You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize