I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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