I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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