the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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