YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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