I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
