Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
