Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize