dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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