i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
