My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize