So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
