the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
