It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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