I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
