just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
