i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
