My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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