It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
