I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
they need to just BURY HIM!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Randomize
