I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
