please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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