I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
