just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize