I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
