Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
