I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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