so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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