I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
