i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
