vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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