some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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