im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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