I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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